The night I met you

January 23, 2016

My dear little baby boy. You are the most beautiful and precious little human to me.

I have carried you in my belly close to my heart, always knowing you were there. Growing bigger and stronger with every breath I took.

I loved feeling you move, your little legs kicking around. What started off as little butterflies fluttering around in my belly soon turned into proper little kicks. You made me smile so much. I just couldn’t wait to meet you.

We were very fortunate to be able to make the supported and informed choice of having a homebirth. With a great team of family and midwives we worked towards that dream.

You took your time though. Maybe waiting for Tante Meike, your aunty to arrive from Germany.

One day just after I had carried you over 41 weeks I started to get some of what I thought was wind pains. Little did I know those wind pains turned into very regular and intense waves of contractions very quickly.

We excitedly called our midwife Sharon who said she would be there soon. Once she had arrived everything stopped for a while. We waited around until the rushes picked up again. That was a short but nice little break. Once everything was moving again I got into a routine of walking around the house and swaying my hips through the rushes. Your daddy gave me kisses and although being a bit nervous he was also excited. I was going through my affirmations in my head and was in a very peaceful state.

Somehow you little munchkin got us all thinking that you were ready to come after about 7 hours of constant strong contractions. So I hopped into the birth pool that your daddy had prepared for me to birth you. The water felt so nice and I started giggling between contractions, being so excited to be meeting you so soon. But after 2 hours we realised nothing was happening so I hopped back out.

I spent quite a few hours doubting myself, not knowing what to do, thinking you would never come out and feeling like I had failed. I decided to get the midwives to check me and as I was 2cm dilated the midwives went home and we all lay down to try and rest for a while. All the while contractions kept going regularly.

We spent the whole next day in full labour and it surely felt like that. Hard labour to get you earthside. It was a marathon and very intense. By the time I had been in labour for about 20 hours my midwife Sharon encouraged me to do some exercises to get you a bit closer to being born. Surely that’s what you wanted to. Poor little man getting squished for such a long time. I think we were walking up and down the stairs, around the house, shaking my legs and trying to dance to Let it go (from Frozen), Bubbly toes (Jack Johnson) and Work, Love, Dance, Trust (Paul Green) for about 2-3 hours. Tante Meike and Daddy right by our side. Finally feeling like they had something to do apart from reminding me to drink water as I couldn’t keep anything down.

Sharon gave me a wonderful massage and then a bit of a pep talk, exactly what I needed at that point: You can do this, stay strong, you can be in control, don’t lose yourself, you are doing a great job and are getting closer and closer to meeting your baby. I remembered thinking: Right I am having a baby here that’s what I am doing. So I somehow revved up my engines and kept going.

After all of that our second midwife Tracey stepped in and brought with her a whole lot of calm and new energy. I am still thankful to her for that. As I was starting to lose hope again. She asked if she could have a quick check on how things were going and after hearing the result (7cm and bulging water bag) I realised I could do this. I remembered some of my affirmations and breathing techniques and just meditated with them by myself. Everyone else tried to rest and sleep. Just in time, as everything got a whole lot more intense after a little while. I had the urge to go to the bathroom again, probably the 50th time that day. That’s when I hit transition. From there on it was only less than an hour until I met you. I sat on the toilet and was thinking wow that was intense I must have vocalised through that contraction extra loud as both Tracy and your Daddy stormed in. Tracey reassured me that I was in transition and that I was doing great. My water conveniently broke on the toilet. There was a moment of peace and me knowing it was just a short break before it was going to get full on again. Even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by the strong contractions I all of a sudden knew exactly what I was doing. It felt incredible and intense. Sharon got called again and when she heard me roar through another strong contraction was on her way as fast as she could. Everyone was busily trying to get the birth pool warm again while I hopped in the shower and dug my hands into your Daddy's shoulders for support. I announced that I was pushing and that you were finally coming. Sharon arrived and helped me move from the bathroom to the birth pool. Everyone was told to come and be with me now as you were coming fast and there was no time to get the pool warm again.

I really didn’t care. I was bearing down and gave a couple more strong pushes, with some very loud roars. Your head came out. One more deep breath and your whole body plopped into Tracy's waiting hands. The moment you were born I just felt amazing, I took a deep breath and I was laughing and was so relieved. I felt amazing. Tracey quickly untangled you from your cord (which was wrapped around you 3 times) and passed you to me under my legs. I saw your face but only briefly as you were passed further so I could reach you and saw that you were a boy. I happily announced: It’s a boy!

You were born at 11:22pm on the 13/11/14 in the safety and comfort of our own home.

I hugged your slippery and warm little body to my chest . It just felt amazing to hold you. You were so little and so perfect. Time just stopped for a moment, a moment I will never ever forget. I looked at your face and felt like I had always known you. It was an incredible feeling. After 27 hours of intense labour you were in my arms crying but right there with me. You were quite upset and I acknowledged your feeling by saying: Yeah that was pretty hard wasn’t it. Your Daddy was pretty overwhelmed and Tante Meike cried tears of happiness and shortly after announced she is having 2 kids. You continued crying for a little while and even had a single teardrop come out of your right eye. We decided it was time to move into our bed and get comfy.

I just couldn’t believe you were there in my arms. I was so exhausted but also so in love with you. I had never felt anything like that before it was like magic, my whole body felt excited and tingly. My life had changed forever, I was now a mum and you my first son.

Your daddy cut your cord, I birthed your placenta and you got measured and weight:

3440 grams, 36cm head circumstance and 52.5cm of pure perfection. We soon snuggled up for a feed and the first night in our big bed, together.

I only later realised how empowering and just right it was to give birth to you. You knew exactly what you were doing and made me feel so strong. My little Finn Noel Colley you have taught me so incredibly much already. I know now that there is no need to be perfect just to be conscious, aware and to do the best I can.

I feel incredibly grateful for our amazing birth team who made our dream of a homebirth come true.